Asking Eric: ‘Very kind’ sister-in-law constantly bad-mouths her husband

DEAR ERIC: My sister-in-law is one of the kindest and most giving people I know. She volunteers at her church, at our local YMCA and at our golf club. She has driven friends several states away for medical treatments.
However, my brother/her husband of 30-plus years is not a social guy, and this irritates her to no end. She will complain to anyone who’ll listen about him. She recently started complaining to me about other things he does, such as not playing enough golf so she can have alone time, and his inability to find her choice of wine in Costco.
Recently, she wanted to force (her words) my brother to come over to my house and socialize during my daughter’s charity tournament. I pushed back. My tone, I’m told, got testy.
She holds a grudge for a very long time. My brother recently backed out of a golf tournament as my partner because of this. I’ve apologized in an email and twice face to face. She will not look at me or speak with me at all.
I want them both in my life but don’t know how to make things right. I felt I was sticking up for my brother.
– Bad Mouthing Do-Gooder
DEAR DO-GOODER: So much compassion for the world and yet so little for her husband. It’s a real shame. Judging by your brother’s response, he either doesn’t see her complaints as a big deal (another shame), or their relationship has a toxicity that could suggest emotional abuse. This is cause for concern.
Your hurdle here is her persistent resentment and anger. And it may be an insurmountable one. She’s proved that she’s willing to stoke and spread tiny grudges about her husband to anyone who will listen, so this conflict with you is likely more fuel for the fire.
At present, your brother has made it clear that he doesn’t want you standing up for him. What are other ways that you can support? Try to have a one-on-one conversation with him letting him know that you see and understand that boundary, but that you’re concerned.
And, going forward, should you find yourself in conversation with his wife, you can and should also let her know that you have a boundary too: no complaints about my brother.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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